Tequila Stories

Hey Cunts.

Did you know that Tequila is the only alcoholic beverage that is a stimulant?

Also, the girl in that photo is a psychopath. Look at her Fucking eyes.


The ridiculously red lips, perfect cheek bones… staring desperately into the camera, trying so hard to prove that she’s not trying so hard to look sexy.

Even though she’s not speaking, I still want to tell her to shut the Fuck up.

Every time I see a selfie of a chick that has that look, I immediately say, “Shut the Fuck up”.

Out loud. It’s involuntary.

Like smashing someone’s skull in when they’re angrily describing how mad they are about fracking.

Impossible not to.

I don’t like fracking. I don’t like anything that fucks with the planet, but why are all of these anti fracking motherfuckers the same guys… WHITE guys, that are holding up signs that say Black Lives Matter and are always the first ones chanting out some horribly rhyming shit about immigration or women’s rights, like they’re so fucking justified in their outrage.

“One, two, three, four! Fracking Mother Earth no more!”

Shut the Fuck up.

You’re not in the middle of a revolution; you’re not fighting for women’s rights; you’re not an open minded and accepting person. You’re a cunty ass, spineless, effeminate Fuck, who knows that nobody is gonna put you in check about your bullshit, even though it’s written all over the faces of the black people you’re marching with, looking over at you every four or five minutes like…

“Nigger please”. (EDITOR’S NOTE: For the politically correct, he meant to say “Nigga Please!”)

I remember watching coverage of one of these gatherings of angry, iPhone carrying, pasty ass, Instagram using, white people protesting some shit about a thing that they deeply, truly don’t give a Fuck about. There was a person screaming into a microphone in that stupid, rising tone that increases in volume to match their anger — you know what I mean. Anyway, there was this group of Lena Dunhams that caught my eye and one of them put her sign down, pulled out a bag of Taco Bell from thin air, and just started inhaling the Fucking thing. Hilarious. The speaker is screaming some shit about some nonsense and everyone except for this goofy little idiot is cheering and screaming back. She finishes her Tacos, whips out her phone, and starts texting or tweeting or something and somehow, loses her orientation and is now facing a wall. After she finishes with her phone, she lifts her sign and as she begins to lift it up, she realizes that she’s standing with her back to the crowd, her face about an inch away from the wall, while the sign she was holding snaps in half as she inadvertently blasted it into the wall. I don’t know how I lived through how hard I laughed. My first thought was: yep Dr. King would be proud.

Seems like there’s an abundance of unchecked douchebaggery out there, and the girl and her Fucking photo reminds me of it all. Things like this get me worked up. I can feel the adrenaline flowing and just gushing into the river of testosterone that builds up and now I’m back to thinking about that chick in the photo.

Except this time, she’s wearing a g-string and crawling towards me, licking her beautiful red lips as she gazes lovingly at my manhood. She’s so Fucking sexy. God, I love her. Seems like she brought a few friends along… cheerleaders, stripping and cheering, slowly grinding against each other, as they wait, anxiously for their turn to please me…

Anyway, the thing about all of these protesters is that, I don’t know what the Fuck I was saying.

Tequila is a stimulant.

TEQUILA STORIES is written by TJ Stone & edited by Bruno Derlin, which is why Derlin is credited as author, but please disregard any despicable thoughts directed at Derlin and re-direct these toward its rightful author.

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